Molvanîan National Emergency Bunker

Useful Information

Location:	Outside the capital of Lutenblag, cleverly disguised as a turnip silo.
Open:	All year daily 9-17. [2023]
Fee:	Adults Strubl 4, Children Strubl 1. [2023]
Classification:	Secret Bunker Fictitious Cave
Light:	Incandescent
Dimension:
Guided tours:	self guided
Photography:	allowed
Accessibility:	no
Bibliography:
Address:	Molvanîan National Emergency Bunker,
As far as we know this information was accurate when it was published (see years in brackets), but may have changed since then. Please check rates and details directly with the companies in question if you need more recent info.

History

a Tuesday in 1973	bunker constructed.
2007	bunker immediately decommissioned when they became aware that the Cold War had ended.
2007	opened for tourists after absolutely nothing was fixed.

Description

The Molvanîan National Emergency Bunker (NEB-1) was constructed during the height of the Cold War. The exact date is top secret, but it was on a Tuesday in 1973. The bunker was designed to shelter up to 17 government officials, 3 goats, and the nation’s beloved accordion orchestra in the event of a nuclear incident. The bunker was built 14 m below ground using a mixture of reinforced concrete, salvaged tractor parts, and optimism. The optimism has survived times best, the rest is quite dilapidated.

Highlights of the guided tour are the Decontamination Room, which contains a leaky hose and a bar of soap. The Command Center has communication infrastructure, a Bakelite rotary phone, a half-functional Soviet radar screen, and a large red button labeled "DO NOT PRESS". It once operated the coffee machine but is now defunct. Hopefully. The Food Storage for the inhabitants contained 4,000 cans of pickled beets and one suspiciously unlabeled jar.

The absolute highlight of the tour is the Nuclear Reactor which powers the bunker. It is believed to be Europe’s oldest atomic reactor and is highly experimental, it was built by Russian scientist, who did this in Molvania because they feared an accident. The reactor is still operational and runs on enriched uranium and sheer stubbornness. It glows faintly and occasionally hums the national anthem. We strongly recommend to not touch the glowing parts except with thick lead gloves.

During a routine drill in 1987, the entire Molvanîan cabinet accidentally locked themselves inside the bunker for three weeks. As a result, a new government was installed, while the old one was honored with bombastic monuments in the style of socialist realism. Internationally, no one noticed.

Guided tours include a helmet, security shoes, a flashlight which will most likely works, but probably not for the whole tour. We strongly recommend to bring your own helmet and torch, and probably a few spare ones for the other tourists. But not only the decomposition of the site is an issue. Due to budget constraints, the air filtration system consists of a single ceiling fan and a pine-scented car freshener. We thus strongly recommend a gas detector. Visitors are also advised not to touch any exposed wires, open any sealed doors, or listen too closely to the walls, which sometimes whisper in Russian.

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